A plea for help...

I ran a golf tournament for a cigar company Sunday. They were nice enough to give me a gift pack of cigars, a lighter, a certificate for throat cancer screening and a hat.

About six months before I moved to the Dominican Republic, I tried smoking cigars. I really liked them. I bought a humidor and everything. Holli bought me a really cool lighter, which was confiscated by airport security in Miami.

I wasn’t smoking every day, maybe one per week, with some brandy to wash it down.

Then, reality hit. Every night I smoked would be followed by a morning of dizziness, dry mouth, headache and a cough. This went on for a while until it hit me that the cigars were responsible for me feeling like I had aged 47 years every time I indulged. I needed two days to recover from one cigar. So I quit. I still like the smell though.

I’ll keep trying, but I can’t seem to find a bad habit that I like. I drink beer and other spirits, but I can’t find a hard liquor that really tastes good enough to drink large quantities of. I don’t like the consequences of drunkenness the morning after. I don't even like "during" much either .

Drugs never appealed to me, because being high AND in jail didn’t sound like much fun.

I like to play poker (for low stakes), but calling a bookie to put $400 down on the Super Bowl (or any other sporting event) isn’t tempting. And I would need 10 million dollars just laying around before I'd pony up $10,000 to play in the World Series of Poker. I'll play golf for a couple of dollars, but it doesn't make it more fun.

I’ve never liked cigarettes enough to get addicted and I don’t eat much chocolate or other things with sugar in them.

Am I forgetting something? Can someone please give me some ideas?

It was like the Godfather...with fewer italians...

The last movie I saw (in a movie theatre) was Return of the King.

Some friends of mine invited me to the midnight premier of the final movie of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, which nowadays would be busted up into a thirty-five volume series and milked for about fifteen years. I had these books as a kid, but I don’t remember reading them.

Anyway, we got there and the theatre was packed. Mostly kids and some adults that must have played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons back in the 80’s.

After about 3 hours of the thing, I was looking for an exit. I just wanted the forces of Mordor to crush these pathetic hobbits so I could go home and get some sleep.

Maybe that's why I haven't been back.

"I didn't do anything!" exclaimed Rosalynn....

I heard Hillary Clinton say she was responsible for peace in Northern Ireland.

This must mean that:

1. Bess Truman dropped the bomb that ended WW II.
2. Mary Todd Lincoln wrote the emancipation proclamation.
3. Barbara Bush and Nancy Reagan brought down the Berlin Wall and ended the Cold War.
4. Mrs. Oswald shot JFK, but she was aiming for Jackie-O.
5. Martha Washington was the Father of Our Country. Well, maybe…you seen a photo of her?

I have to wonder how Bill feels about this. Maybe he hopes Hillary will take credit also for:

1. Lying to a Grand Jury and getting disbarred
2. Horribly failing in trying to Socialize Health Care (oh..wait…)
3. Letting terrorists run free for eight years, bombing the World Trade Center, the USS Cole and preparing for 9/11.
4. Firing everyone in the Travel Office (oh…wait…)
5. Janet Reno
6. Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Kathleen Willey…and a cast of thousands…

Note to Hillary: It was all timing…NO ONE could have brokered peace in Northern Ireland in 1974…NO ONE could have stopped the Cold War in 1963….it’s a matter of leadership displayed when events present themselves. And it wasn’t YOU anyway. It's hard enough to believe Bill was there.

Which bring me to Jimmy Carter…

Press Conference Transcript...

Cayenne Lemonade HQ
March 7, 2008
10:01 A.M. EST

PRESS SECRETARY: Good morning. I appreciate your attendance and will be addressing a question brought regarding turning on the feature for readers (if there are any) to be able to comment on blog postings on Cayenne Lemonade. Mr. ___________ will make a statement and there will be opportunities for questions.

CAYENNE LEMONADE: Good morning. The question of turning on the comments is a tough one, but we have elected to continue as is, without the comments turned on. We do this for the following reasons.

1. I remain anonymous as the author of this blog. While it is very likely you already know who I am, until I “go public” the comments will remain off.
2. If you wish to opine, you probably have my email address. Send me anything you like. It’s been great for getting back in touch with many of you and letting you know I haven’t changed much (unfortunately for family and people living within 50 miles of me) in the last 20 or so years.
3. I have received email responses that would not have worked as comments. Subjects such as my lack of intelligence, manliness, and poor judgment have been breached. As I do not wish to be told I am a dumbass (or gay – not that this anything wrong with that…) in front of anyone with access to the internet, I shall leave the comments off.

I’ll now be happy to take your questions. We’ll start over here in New York.

Q: You seem rather smug, and I think it would be a great way for all the readers to reply and be smug together.

CAYENNE LEMONADE: If you would all like to gather and be smug at my expense, you will have to wait for my funeral or perhaps my Friars Club Roast. I’m not sure I want a bunch of people I’ve known over the years to be able to out-smug me on my own blog.

In the back, Washington, D.C?

Q: Your blog is turning in to a LoveFest. First it's all about the family; which is great but I usually have to be drunk to express myself like that (or at least been away from them for a while). Now it's about latentman-love expressions you have thrown at random strangers!!! However, please do not tarnish my unblemished record of heterosexuality; my office IT department checks for gay blogs in our internet usage.

CAYENNE LEMONADE: We reserve the right to write about anything we want. My boyfriend didn’t have any problem with it. So there.

Last question...Dominican Republic…

Q: In response to your post of February 5. Are you really that brave?

CAYENNE LEMONADE: Again, this is why it's anonymously written. Thank you for participating. I love your comments as sent to me in private, but as far as making me a fool with my own blog…I’ll take care of that.

The Origins of Sport Series...Part I

I happened to catch a game of Rugby on the “telly” the other day and I was rather surprised that people would play more than one game of it per lifetime. Most of the uniforms were covered with blood and that was only during the warm-ups. I couldn’t figure out the rules except that it seemed wise to throw the ball to someone else whenever possible and to run from it when you didn’t have it.

Curious, I went to the internet to find the origin of the game. It wasn’t very interesting, so I made up my own.

It seems the citizens of the “town near the sea in Scotland” were mad at the people of the “town near the hill in Scotland.” And vice-versa. Mad enough to go to war, or at least get into a fistfight.

Knowing that the authorities would no doubt arrest and jail the people for a brawl, one of the citizens involved in the dispute invented the game of Rugby to settle it.

“Weel bring a bol, an no’un weel be the wiser!” he exclaimed triumphantly.

The winner got a fifth of Whiskey and the rights to the most beautiful girl in Scotland, whose marriage to the most beautiful man in the town of the winning team would be used to create a race of good looking people to populate the countryside.

There is no evidence of who won.

Starting over...

I had a friend lose his job about two weeks ago.

He was great at it. The best I ever knew.

Things got complicated and he felt the best thing to do was to resign. From all I can tell, it got pretty ugly in the boardroom. He knows better than I, but I wish he had stayed.

I just worry about his heart. What do you do when you gave all you had and it didn’t work?

The customers were (and a few still are) outraged and dismayed. The company is still trying to explain it, and so far, they haven’t done a great job of it. It’s hard to explain why a successful operation would lose its’ most valuable asset, besides the product they promote.

But it’s a great product, and the next guy will do a good job, but it won’t be the same. People will come and go and the venture will continue. But again, it won’t be the same. He’d say that it shouldn’t be the same, things change. Ok, I can see that. But I don’t have to like it.

I just wish he were still there. I liked the way he presented the goods and made me feel good about giving my support. I knew I was backing a winner.

And, as good as he was at his job, he was (and is) a better friend. That’s why I’m not worried about him. He’ll be taken care of. The next company he works for will benefit greatly.

I wish him peace in the meantime.

To whom it may concern...what I did yesterday instead of a blog post...

I’ve always been a letter writer.

I’ve written friends, enemies (at the time), public utilities, crooked dentists, church officials, people attempting to collect a debt that wasn’t ours, and the Roman Catholic Church, just to name a few (something about indulgences...oh wait, that wasn't me).

I’m not bad at it. I get to the point, am rather direct, and occasionally say things that may lack tact, but make up for it in truth.

It doesn’t always work out so well, but I can walk away in peace, usually.

I’ve gotten horrid responses, inappropriate responses and the occasional no response.

But I’ll keep writing.

Plagarizing Myself...

I wrote this for fivewordmonologues.blogspot.com and they posted it...

It sounds made up...

Where were her parents? The story never says. I guess it was more interesting that she was possibly an orphan being raised by her Aunt and Uncle, but it seems like too much. She already lived in Kansas in a shack, why pile it on? I’m surprised he didn’t give Toto rabies to make it even more pathetic.

Then we have this whole traveling in the tornado thing and landing on the wicked witch. Ridiculous. If your house goes up in the air during a twister, odds are it will shatter like a clay pot when it hits the ground, not rectify a grave injustice done to a land of oppressed little people.

And if this idiot Good Witch of the North had any thing on the ball, she wouldn’t have sent them walking through the hills of Oz in search of the Emerald City. She’d have just beamed them there or given them something to get there a little quicker… and in style, like a ragtop ’68 Mustang to navigate the old yellow brick road. As it was, she sent a girl in brand new shoes and a little dog on a three-day walk though the countryside. In the real world, Dorothy wouldn’t have gotten two blocks before she ducked into a Starbucks.

But the cake-taker was the Emerald City fiasco. They get there (miraculously) with their little band of misfits but the Wizard won’t help them unless they get the broomstick from the other Wicked Witch. This seems like a tough assignment for a little girl, her dog, a man made of straw, a Tin Man and a Lion wearing eye liner that made him look like a drag queen. If you’re the Wizard, act like it. Get off your fat can and go get it yourself.

But anyway, in the end the Wizard is found to be a fraud. Duh…knew that when the guy had to answer his own door.

From Russia With Love...

The tee times computer got a message today.

Good Afternoon,

How are you doing today? First, I would like you to know who I am. My name is Ekaterina and I am 28 years old. I am from Kinderi, which is situated in Russia. I would like to describe myself. I am intelligent, beautiful, kind-hearted, with a sense of humor, loving and caring. I want to tell you that I am writing to you because I am looking for a friend and a partner and my future husband. I wish my partner to be also loving, caring, tender, intelligent and kind. Please email me soon and send me a photo.

First of all, I can’t believe she wants me to be tender, but she doesn’t have to…

It seems though, that I don’t have to have a sense of humor. Does she think she is funny enough for the both of us?

I shouldn’t nitpick. Of all the people in the world, she picked me.

Reversal of Fortune...

Yesterday was Independence Day in the Dominican Republic.

Here’s the deal as I know it…for more information consult something official.

For outright lies try www.hillaryclinton.com.

Anyway, in 1844, the Dominican kicked the Haitians out and established their own country.

In the early 1930’s Trujillo took over. He didn’t like the Haitians very much. He managed to slaughter thousands of Haitians in a genocide that took place in the Northern part of the country. They lined up all the people and if you couldn’t say the word Perejil (parsley) by rolling the “r”, they killed you.

When this became known, Trujillo had to pay thousands of dollars in reparations to Haitians at the behest of the US Government.

Now the Haitians are gardenders and construction workers.

They used to run things here.

Take note.