Sunday, December 13, 2009

The 80 year plan to save the planet...

I've finally heard a plan that will save mankind from the horrors of global warming.

It will take some education and committement from the citizens of the earth, but if carried out, the plan is guaranteed to eliminate mankind's effect on the global temperature.

The problem of overpopulation will be solved, which according to the experts, is the cause of the greenhouse gases that is about to ruin the earth.

The plan is to get every couple to commit to limit the number of children they bring into the world to NONE per family.

This ought to solve it.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Maybe it was a "you gonna buy something or not?" sign...

The first sign I saw said, "You break it, you buy it." Then after the "$25 for all returned checks," was the "shoplifters will be prosecuted to the FULLEST extent of the law," "no refunds without receipt" and one other I can't remember, but it was no less forbodding than the other four.

Meanwhile, I heard the owner complain that business was terrible and he'd tried everything to get it going, but nothing worked. Nobody was shopping there, the economy was terrible, the weather was bad, he hadn't seen it this bad in the last 25 years.

"No matter what, these people...they got money...but they aren't going to spend it around here," he said.


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I couldn't operate heavy machinery anyway, Mr. Know it all...

One job I don't understand is the Surgeon General. Everyone makes a big deal out of it and there are hearings and vetting all so that when the guy gets the job he trots out his esteemed opinion that cigarettes and alcohol abuse MIGHT be hazardous to your health.

This is also the opinion of your parents, your AA sponsor and the Southern Baptist Convention.

Oh, and if you're pregnant, it's not a good idea to smoke or drink. Brilliant.

But this guy gets to have it written on all the packaging like he was the first one to think of it or something.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Oh, that sounds like wait, what did you say?

Today Gracie told us about a new game she learned at Bible Study...she doesn't study per se, but goes with Holli to the study where they have classes and things for the kids to do.

The game, according to Gracie, is called Jesus, Jesus, God and the rules are the same as duck, duck, goose.

Now, I'm no theologian, but something about this isn't right. Now I doubt that there is a direct ratio, such as Jesus is to duck as God is to goose, intended, but what's wrong with duck, duck, goose that it needs a religious twist?

When the kids play tag, is it "Laying on hands tag?" When they play dodge ball, is it "predestined to be struck with a red rubber (dodge) ball?" (I guess if you are really reformed you just stand there and wait for the ball to hit you...after all if you're going to get hit by the ball...)

Red Rover, Red Rover, let John the Baptist come over?

I'd write more, but Holli wants to tell me about the Singing Christmas Tree.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Coming out of the closet...

I hate Christmas. I hate buying presents for people just because it is the last week in December. If I want to buy a nice gift for someone, I'll decide WHEN that is, thank you.

I hate Christmas trees...but so do all other men I've every discussed this with. It's a waste of time, money and if you have a dog...well, good luck. I hate figgy pudding, whatever that is.

I hate hanging garland, I hate getting the ornaments out of the attic. I hate sending cards to people. I hate having to explain why I still haven't grown up since last year in my yearly report. I hate photos of us smiling when two minutes earlier I was trying to convince Grace to PLEASE put on her (horribly ugly, she says) brown shoes and trying to get John to stay still long enough to put on pants.

I don't want to go over hills and through the woods on a sleigh. I don't want to sing for the neighbors wondering if I'll ever get full use of my left foot again. I don't want to exchange gifts with almost strangers. I don't want to explain to Grace and John why a fat guy in a red suit ISN'T in the nativity scene.

I do like egg nog, though.

I'm not a scrooge. I'm a man.

However, if by "Christmas" you mean the celebration of the birth of the Messiah, then count me in...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

To whom it may concern at ESPN...

Scores, games and highlights.

I want scores, games and highlights. I don't want stories on the personal lives of the people in the games or highlights. If I want something other than scores, games and highlights, I'll tune into Access Hollywood or watch The View. But as it is, I can't tell you apart from Oprah right now.

Scores, games and highlights...


P.S. I'm retiring from golf. If being the best golfer in the world isn't enough to keep you from a public spectacle, then why am I trying to be the 1,000,000th best?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

And playing middle linebacker...

The Discovery Health Channel is running a series of shows on pregnancy tonight...some of the titles are "Transgendered and Pregnant," "I didn't know I was pregnant," and "Pregnant and addicted," just to name a few.

Of course, the ones that didn't make the cut are "Pregnant and want to kill everyone," "Pregnant and Eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken Three Times a Day," "Pregnant and in a foreign country," and "Pregnant and Still Working as a Rodeo Clown."

Isn't it enough to be pregnant? From what I understand, that's plenty.

Note: The author continues to try to atone for asking, "well, why can't you change the tire? You're only in your second trimester!" during his wife's pregnancy three years ago.