Sunday, October 30, 2011

Walt, Walt, Don't Tell Me!

From the February 12, 2010 County Journal...

I started watching an old movie the other night called “Double Indemnity” starring Fred MacMurray, Barbara Stanwyck and Edward G. Robinson, who didn’t even once, call anyone a “dirty rat.”

The plot centered around an insurance agent who falls in love with a client and the only thing standing between them and romantic and financial bliss was her husband and the fact that he was still alive.

As exciting as this was, I fell asleep while the two of them were professing their love to one another in the canned vegetables aisle of the grocery store and I missed the rest of the movie. I know either he or she did it, since the tagline for the movie was “Love and Murder at First Sight.”

So I imagine the police interviewed some of the people who knew the couple:
Her attorney: “Walt murdered my client’s husband in hopes of a relationship with my client, all without my client’s knowledge. My client’s only dealing with Walt was completely professional. He was the family’s insurance agent. However, she has since cancelled all policies with his company.”

Walt’s College Buddy: “Ol’ Walt offed this dame’s husband after he fell in love with her. Walt always liked the ladies, didn’t he?”

Walt’s Dad: “That conniving woman fell in love with the boy and then convinced him to kill her husband. Walt was always a sucker for a pretty face.”

Walt’s Mother: “That woman framed poor old Walter by pretending to love him all while murdering her own husband. Walter has such a kind heart, always wanting to help out. He couldn’t have done this.”

Walt’s Attorney: “My client was at the public library all day on the day of the murder, except when he stepped out for his lunch break at the soup kitchen he volunteers in on a regular basis. It is obvious that the woman did it for the money. My client is an honest insurance agent and was completely unaware of this woman’s plot to kill her husband when he sold her the huge life insurance policy with the ‘double indemnity’ clause. The romantic relationship between them and the house they just bought in the French Riviera is not relevant to the case.”

Anybody know what really happened? Email me.

Darrell Teubner, Editor

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Say Cheese...

from the February 5 issue of the County Journal...

One of my least favorite things in the world is to pose for a photograph. I don’t mind a photo being taken now and then, but I dislike getting in a big group and doing the “simultaneous smile.”

The reason is the first thing that occurs to me when someone says “smile!” is that I need a reason to smile. I’m not a machine. Give me some motivation. Tell a joke. Injure yourself while eating Lasagne. Dance. Something.

The idea of taking a picture, I think, is to capture the moment. Well, if the moment is standing with a bunch of people looking at someone with an electronic device designed to reproduce a moment in time, I fail to see the reason for unbridled joy. After all, cameras have been around for quite some time now.

“Hey, look, Bob has a camera! Whoopeee!!!!!!!!!! Let’s all go grin at him!”

I’m sure there are those who would argue, but I think I genuinely smile as much as anyone. But if you think I should grin solely because you have a camera and say “Smile!” my advice to you is get better material. A rubber chicken. Or a fake moustache and glasses, at least.

But this issue of the County Journal has a few instances of good reasons to smile…a new business opening, Tales from the Yellow House and winners in a coloring contest, just to name a few. We hope it will make you smile, too.

If it does, let us know…we’ll bring a camera.

Darrell Teubner, Editor

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Be (Bad) Attitudes...

From the January 29, 2010 Issue of the County Journal...

My comeback as a basketball player began last Friday night when I took the court with the blue jersey of the Hornsby Baptist Church. I don’t attend the church, but my particular church doesn’t have a team and the guys were nice enough to let me join them for the season, with no strings attached (I had to buy a $10 t-shirt). They said I could remain a Presbyterian, which is nice.

(They did ask me how I felt about “dunking” and I told them I could barely touch the rim. I may have misunderstood the question.)

It was nice to play with a scoreboard, a clock, someone keeping the book and keeping track of fouls, which meant (in theory - see below) every time I went down the lane someone didn’t just grab me to stop me from scoring. It was an official game.

It’s a church league and the opposing team kept the theme of fellowship throughout the game, maybe because they thumped us. We behaved also, with one possible exception. And being a church league, we did have a miracle occur during the game.

However, the lame did not walk.

Our starting center scored a basket early in the game, stepped on someone’s foot and spent the rest of the game with an ice pack on his ankle, yelling, “rebound,” which had he been in the game, would have been his job. And since our other two “big” guys didn’t show, this hurt our presence on the boards and led to the loss.

Nor did the blind see.

To be fair, I must say the referee did miss them on both sides of the court. He missed calling fouls when we had the ball, but he made up for it by calling a lot of them when they had the ball. So it evened out. Sort of.

What was the miracle?

Unfotuatley, the mute spoke. Even though he should have kept his mouth shut. But, given my heritage, the miracle may have been if I HADN’T said “C’mon!” at least once.
But, even with all that, I think we would have lost anyway. And if this column doesn’t get me kicked out of the league, I can’t wait to play again.

Darrell Teubner, Editor

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Hope they read it...

from the January 22 Issue of the County Journal

The recent addition to my weekly routine has left me behind in my reading and therefore, I have no book review to offer to this week’s edition of The County Journal. But the kids were happy to help:

1. Gracie recommends Barnyard Dance by Sandra Boynton…It’s seems that the animals have scored a fiddle and are having a square dance. With a neigh and a moo and a cockle-doodle-doo….Three Stars
2. John feels time would be well-spent with Dogs by Julie Aigner-Clark …Dogs do a lot of things. Clark narrows it down to about seven and none of it is hazardous to shoes...Two and a half stars.
3. John again recommends Sometime I Like to Curl up in a Ball by Vicki Churchill…This wombat is a busy little guy, but he finds time to, you guessed it, curl up in a ball...Three stars.
4. Again, John is entusiastic about The Pup Speaks Up by Anna Jane Hays…Pal the pup lets everyone else weigh in before he gives his opinion. Example: Chug, Chug goes a tug...Three and a half stars.
5. Gracie liked God Made Colours, author unknown Some of the major colors are covered in this six page volume...Three stars
6. Gracie also gives a good word for One, Two, Three! by Sandra Boynton…Amongst the highlights of the book is the notion that six is fun for a running race unless you are the one in sixth place...Four Stars.
7. John liked God Made You Special by Eric Metaxas… Talking vegetables Larry the Cucumber and Bob the Tomato explain that even a gourd can be his own man...Two Stars.
8. Gracie felt Oh, Bother! Someone’s Afraid of the Dark by Betty Birney was a bit overdone…Piglet freaks out during a slumber party he has with his friend Winnie the Pooh. Cameos by Tigger and Owl....One and a half stars.

If I can get up the courage, I’ll slip The County Journal under their pillow. Wish me luck.

Darrell Teubner, Editor

Monday, October 24, 2011

Saving the Planet

From the January 15 2010 Issue of the County Journal...

As I was very carefully crossing the street last Friday, dodging the ice patches, I realized that the good news about the miserable cold is that we’ve finally got this global warming thing licked.

It seems to us, though, that we may have gone too far.
So we have a plan to reverse it back:

- We’re going to stop recycling. The separate plastic bins (creating the need for more plastic) never made sense to us anyway.
- We’re going to ask for plastic bags when we get groceries. We’ll double-bag.
- We’re going to take the muffler off our car.
- We’re going to flush the toilet often and for no reason.
- We’re going to leave the TV on all the time. Same with the lights.
- We will never car pool, instead we will tell our friends to get their own SUV.
- We will wash everything in hot water and ask for fresh towels every day if we go to a hotel.
- We will feed local livestock food from Taco Bell.
- We’re going to take those funny-looking light bulbs back to the store.
- We will take unnecessary airplane flights, we’ll drive when we could walk, and if we have nothing else to do, we’ll just stand in the yard and spray an aerosol can into the sky.

If we all work together, by March we should see some improvement.

Darrell Teubner, Editor

Sunday, October 23, 2011

From the other side of the desk...

When we started the County Journal (the weekly newspaper of Hardeman County)...the blog slowed down..way a standstill.

My column on the front page will be archived will be a bit familiar as I have pirated my own material on more than one occasion...but here goes.

From the January 8, 2010 County Journal...

My little boy rummaged around until he found it under a pile of leaves. He had to pull a few twigs and some bark off it, but he finally got it to his liking. He ran to the edge of the yard and pointed it at a passing truck, yelling at the top of his lungs. He pointed it at the sky and then slammed it on the ground. He made noises like a gun while aiming it in all directions.

He hit acorns with it. He swept the leaves off the yard with it. He beat trees with it. He held it over his head and yelled at the top of his lungs.

After a while, he came over near me, swinging it back and forth. He started hitting the ground with it. I asked, ”What do you have there, son?”

Without looking at me, he replied, “It’s a stick, Dad.”

And so it is with this…from afar, it’s just another newspaper. But when you get your hands on it and look inside, we hope you’ll see it as something more. We hope you’ll see it as the voice, the watchful eye, the entertainer, the informer, the critic, the record-keeper, and the celebrator of all that is good in Hardeman County.

And if you want to, you can even roll it up and hit acorns with it.

But we hope you’ll read it first.

Darrell Teubner, Editor