Monday, December 3, 2012

Legalistic Eagleistic

from the June 3, 2010 Issue of the County Journal

A close call...

SOMEWHERE NEARBY– A bar and grill room brawl was averted last night when a group of bikers allowed a table full of church members to drink beer and eat chicken wings in peace.

“Normally, we’d run over and tell them to beat it, but we decided to leave them be,” said Wild Bill, “They smiled a little too much for us and some of them had collars on their shirts, but it wasn’t that big a deal.”

The church-goers were in the bar and grill to watch the NBA playoffs. When asked why they chose a bar to meet, Pastor Name Withheld replied, “The chicken wings are better here than at my house.”

The regulars in the bar were surprised that a church group would show up. Wild Bill, who offered to play billiards against anyone for $10 a game, said, “They seemed nice enough, even if they didn’t know how to play nine-ball.”

It was reported that a few of the church members played softball in a league with the bikers and that a couple of the bikers claimed Jesus Christ as their personal savior and attended church on a regular basis.
SAME TIME, SAME PLACE-- A bar and grill room revival was averted last night when a church group, who met to eat wings, drink beer and watch the NBA playoffs, allowed a group of leather-clad bikers to play pool and laugh amongst one another in peace.

“Normally, we’d run over there and tell them that they were going straight to hell, what with their clothes and pool-playing and drinking more than us,” joked Pastor Name Withheld, “They dressed like Mel Gibson in the Road Warrior, but we decided to let them enjoy themselves.”

The bikers were in the bar to socialize and play some pool. When asked why they chose a bar to meet, Wild Bill replied, “The chicken wings are better here than at my house.”

The church members were surprised that bikers would be there. Deacon Tim, who challenged those in the bar to a contest to find Jeremiah 14:7 faster than anyone else for $10, said, “They seemed nice enough, even if they didn’t know their major prophets.”

It was reported that a few of the bikers had been to church in the past few weeks and that one of the church members rode a motorcycle for fun, played cards and had a pool table in his house.

A close call indeed...

Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Perfect Man

from the May 27, 2010 issue of the County Journal...

Had to squeeze this ad in at the last minute...

For the Ladies...from the people that brought you the Lost Sock Finder comes “The Perfect Man!”

He won’t mind if you watch Lifetime, the Food Network or TLC! He’ll take out the garbage, mow the lawn and clean out the gutters!*

Want flowers on occasion? No problem!

And the toilet seat will be where YOU left it!

The perfect man? No, he doesn’t exist. But this is the next best thing. Our labs have produced the most realistic dummy (and you can call him that if you like) ever produced for domestic use.

He’ll sit on the couch (or the floor if you prefer) with a smile on his face while you watch Jon and Kate air out their problems, while you channel surf between the Iron Chef America and Dancing with the Stars and he won’t say a thing…and since his facial expression will never change, you can be sure he won’t be thinking anything either.

Every once in a while, you’ll receive flowers or a card in the mail from him…and he’ll expect nothing in return. He won’t even ask if you got them.

Just send $1249.95 to Perfect Man Enterprises. Expect 2 to 3 weeks for shipping.

You’ll receive a life-like plastic replica, but without the smells and complications of a real man. You’ll be billed $27.50 a month to cover expenses, such as flowers, cards and personal notes from that special someone that never complains, belches, or comes home late.

(If you would prefer to do without the hassle of the actual mannequin, just let us know and we’ll bill you $27.50 per month...just put you want “the perks minus the guy package” on your order form.)

Either way, the perfect man is only a phone call away!

Darrell Teubner, Editor
*well, actually, he won’t

Monday, January 2, 2012

In this corner...

from the May 20, 2010 issue of the County Journal...

You might already have heard about this, but let me tell my side of the story.
The kids and I played the card game UNO today. In 1971, some guy invented this game with no idea (I don’t think) of the consequences of his actions.

The game was brought into my home somewhere in the late 70’s and it would have been better if my parents had bought throwing knives or boxing gloves to bring us closer as a family.

The game was an out and out war. In my house, we played to win. Well, Mom didn’t play to win, she just played. The reason I never thought she played to win was that she rarely slammed down the draw four and yelled, “Ha! Draw Four Buddy!”

The rest of the people in the house (me included) played like the very existence of the planet depended on who won.

We played Scrabble the same way. You made sarcastic comments toward those who played slow, but certainly took your time when it was your turn. You challenged suspicious looking words. You hoarded “U”s so whoever got the “Q” had to eat it at the end. You never played in an area where the next player could use the triple word score.

We probably still would play this way if our board and letter tiles hadn’t been seized by the police as evidence.

We didn’t own a Risk game...who needed the game of global domination to vent your thirst for power when a game of checkers was a bloodbath?

I don’t know where the games are anymore, but wherever they are there are tear stains on our Monopoly Board, a cracked pop-o-matic, and blood on our Yahtzee scoresheets.
I guess we just love competition.

Darrell Teubner, Editor