But Cayenne Lemonade does...

I got a phone call today from “an internet advisor” who informed me a search of key words on Google* did not result in our radio station being found in the first 10 search results.

This surprised me because putting the call letters (radio lingo) into Google*, does, in fact, yield our website. I told him so.

Not, said he.

So, said I…but then I asked…”what search words did you use?”

His reply was “radio,” “radio station,” and “country music.”

I asked him (or maybe I just wish I had) if he thought a 3000-watt radio station in rural Tennessee SHOULD be one of the top 10 search results in the entire world when you put in “radio,” “radio station,” and “country music?”

He said he thought our website could use some work. I told him (or maybe I just wish I had) that his manners could use some work and that I liked my website just fine (actually, it's quite mediocre, but what do you expect from a guy who has a blog named after a made up drink?) and that I had to go now.

So I went.


*While typing this I discovered that Google shows up as a misspelling in Microsoft Word if you don’t use a capital “G.” However, God doesn’t. Draw your own conclusions.

Betting I'll live past 45...

My IRA is about to become MY RA. Now.

Now for those of you who think I'm crazy to flush my retirement, I plan to use it for something better than that (flushing that is). The World Series of Poker beckons. Well, maybe not yet. Maybe someday.

The laws says I can have this money (without penalty) when I’m 59.5 years of age….but I bought life insurance that runs out when I’m 62. So I’m betting (with my money) that I’m going to die before 2029, but I’m planning to leave other money in the IRA until 2027? And for the wad of cash I’ll supposedly have (if I leave it in there they tell me), I won’t be able to spend it all in two and a half years.

So hand it over.

All in...

To do list:
Incorporate
Call Broker to liquidate 401K
Get a bank account
Buy some business cards
Learn how to use photo shop
Call the printer and tell him it’s on
Get a camera
Pray

Deposition taken...

Pursuant to the complaint the defendant gave the following responses on the 10th day of November, 2009 to the charge that she wrote her name on the wall of the bedroom in crayon:

Mom: Gracie!
Grace: Yes?
Mom: Why did you write on the wall?
Grace: Mom, that was years ago.
Mom: Gracie!
Grace: Mom, that was years ago. Back when I was four!
Mom: Ok, stop laughing.
Dad: I can’t help it.
Grace: But that was years ago...Mom...that was years ago.

As the statute of limitations had since passed, the defendant was released.

Well, yeah, I guess it is...

He rummaged around and found it under a pile of leaves. He had to pull a few twigs off of it and some bark, but finally he got it perfect.

He ran to the edge of the yard and pointed it at a passing truck, yelling at the top of his lungs. He pointed it at things and slammed it on the ground. He made noises like a gun while aiming it.

He hit acorns with it. He swept the leaves off the yard with it. He beat trees with it.

He came over near me, swinging it back and forth. He started hitting the ground with it. I asked…”What do you have there, John?”

Without looking at me, he replied, “It’s a stick, Dad.”

Breaking News...

Out there in the World Wide Web Somewhere -- Children used to learn about reformed theology on the street – either from friends, those weird older kids who'd smoke behind the dumpster, or a friend's older and ostensibly wiser sibling.

But a study reveals that kids are now more likely to learn about the five points of Calvinism on the internet.

“It’s really exploded,” says Tim Jones, “Kids now can learn the Apostle’s Creed without leaving the privacy of their own home.“

What the study also reveals, likely without having been intended, is the existence of reformed theology that has developed in the mainstream search and social media sector. When a person searches “Unconditional Election” or “Perseverance of the Saints” they find concise answers without having to resort to looking it up in a book or going to church on Sunday.

Looking for a sponsor...

About two months ago I did something stupid…to be specific (as I readily admit I’ve done stupid things since then, but I am speaking of one particular thing)…agreed to quit eating beef jerky.

(I would have agreed to quit “cold turkey” but I don’t really know what that means…why is it “cold turkey” people talk about quitting and it being so hard? Were there no Twinkies when this phrase was coined?)

Anyway (the screaming in my head makes it hard to focus hence all the parenthesis) the craving for a Slim Jim has now reached critical mass.

This became apparent when earlier today, when I saw a lesser man (or at least a smarter man who didn’t agree to stop eating them) tear open the plastic at the top and bite off a huge chunk. I nonchalantly wandered over and asked him if that was the spicy Tabasco or the regular.

He must have noticed the drool on my lips because he indignantly told me, “GET YOUR OWN.”

If you really wanted to "friend me," you'd have offered to drive the getaway car...

The internet news teases you with the “Man/Woman arrested for…” and somehow I always end up clicking on it to see if it is someone I know.

There are 300 million or so people in our country, but I would figure someday I would be able to read up on an old acquaintance that did something terrible or wildly illegal and made the national news confirming my idea that “he/she never was quite right.” And maybe they keep checking to see if it was me.

I guess now that everyone (well almost everyone) is on twitter or facebook, it would be less likely to be a surprise if someone from your past got nabbed in heinous activity, since they would probably mention in a “tweet” or on their page that they were “standing outside the bank with a ski mask on” right before they took the note to the teller. During the hostage crisis, you could send them a “hug” or a “pizza” or write something encouraging on their wall. Your friends could start a “I sure hope he gets the helicopter” group. Also, your friends could make suggestions or tell you they “liked” the idea of trading useless hostages for a massage therapist or a good barber.

(where you’re going, both will be tough to get)

But so far, everyone has stayed within the law (at least enough to not make the Drudge Report). But I’ll keep checking.

In the dark, almost...

The internet is out (at the time of this writing that is – if it never comes back on you’ll never get to read this) and it seems like the earth has ground to a halt.

I can’t get email, I can’t get on the internet…it’s like I’m stranded on a desert island, although I do have phone, light and motorcar, so things aren’t that bad.

And through this grueling trial (it’s been out for about an hour now) it seems pretty apparent to me how the evil people are going to get us (you may insert your greatest feared group who might gain power for “evil” in the last sentence) in their grips…they’ll control the information. They’ll get us all used to getting our news, sports and weather from the net and then they’ll just

Confess your sins and get free refills...

I saw a coffee cup the other day that said, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

Bad grammar aside, I think it’s great that you can pin down the specific type of co-dependence that makes up your dysfunctional family life with a coffee mug. A great way to start your day.

In this same vein, I guess it would be fine if you had a mug that said, “Dad likes to risk the mortgage payment betting on college football games,” or “Sister thinks twinkies are a food group,” or even “Brother is a kleptomaniac."

All of which would make momma unhappy, so I guess the “If momma ain’t…” mug kind of covers the subject...