He was pretty good at picking up the 7-10 split though...

from the April 22, 2010 Issue of the County Journal...

The date on the top of this paper is April 22, and I thought I’d do a bit of “On this day in history.” Not everything I found in my research was all that interesting, so I had to make up a few things.

However, it is a fact that today (April 22) is Earth Day. Back in 1970, a bunch of people, led by Wisconsin Senator Gaylord Nelson, were convinced that we were about to enter into another ice age and proposed an awareness day to promote the environmental movement so that we could save ourselves from being able to ice skate from Minneapolis to New Orleans on the Mississippi River in August.

The first Earth Day also doubled as a trade show for drug paraphernalia, since mostly the same people were involved, except for the Senator and anyone else named in this column who might have a lawyer and a subscription to this publication. They watched “Reefer Madness” to kill time while a big group of participants went to Burger King for a Whopper, fries, and more fries.

The Committee to have an Earth Day settled on April 22. A few possible reasons:
1. John Muir founded the Sierra Club and the people in charge of the first Earth Day thought to do it on his birthday would be an honor. The only problem was that he was born on April 21. Oops. It was said after this gaffe they banned Cheech and Chong from coming to any more meetings.
2. Eddie Albert of the show Green Acres was born on April 22. In his honor, people shouted, “Give me that countryside!” at the opening ceremonies.
3. Julius Sterling Morton, the founder of Arbor Day, was born on April 22. A research of his life did not find anything I could make a joke about.
4. Julian Koenig was on the committee that established the day as April 22. The date was Koenig’s own birthday and “Earth Day” rhymed with “birthday.” I WISH I made that up.
5. The FBI thought that there was another reason for the April 22 date. The would-have-been 100th birthday of noted Marxist and Professional Bowler Vladimir Lenin was April 22, 1970 and the boys from the FBI thought Earth Day was a front for an eventual subversive plot to redistribute world and U.S. wealth in the name of mythical-man-caused global climate change under the name of “cap and trade.” The FBI was proved wrong though, as Lenin was discovered to have never bowled better than 127 and he didn’t even own his own tri-colored shoes.

And finally, today is my wife’s birthday. Honey, I’m sorry all those years ago the crazy people took over your special day.

Darrell Teubner, Editor

The Neverending Story...

from the April 15, 2010 issue of the County Journal...

Whenever I’m curious about anything, such as, let’s say, the end of the world, I look to Hollywood. This has helped me with many other riveting mysteries, such as How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf, and When Harry Met Sally.
(I do need to point out that it isn’t perfect. It has not helped a bit with What Women Want.)

But in case you hadn’t heard, there is a movie now that is based on the fact that Mayan Civilization predicted that the earth would cease to exist on December 21, 2012, which means your Christmas shopping that year won’t be necessary.

The reason for this end of the earth prediction is because when the Mayans (for some reason) got together to map out the remainder of history, they only went until 2012. To me, that would seem to be enough…seven hundred or so years ahead, enough to plan birthday parties and ritual sacrifices for many generations to come. But Hollywood and other lunatics say this is a sign that the earth wouldn’t last past that…all because some Mayan guy said, “man, 2012 is enough, I gotta get home before the old lady changes the locks.”

And what really makes it silly (for them) is that the Mayans ceased to exist sometime in the 14th century. Some of the theories given for the Mayan civilization disappearing involved witches/priests, a peasant revolt, and poor environmental policy that involved abuse of land and pulverizing natural resources such as forests, animals, and shoals and/or reefs that could have proved useful. If only Al Gore had been around to try to legislate these guys into eternal life.

But some Hollywood guys apparently just heard about the 2012 deal and came up with their version of the end of the earth just in time for us to go pay $7.50 for the chance to see it and $11.25 for a soda and popcorn to help us pass the time (as if the END OF THE WORLD isn’t enough to hold your attention). But if the movie really is about the end of the world and the world ends at the end of the movie, how does the movie itself end?

So I guess I’ll rent it. On December 22, 2012.
Unless....

Darrell Teubner, Editor

Think YOU'RE tough?

from the April 8, 2010 issue of the County Journal...

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”

At some point in my life I thought this was the post office motto, but Google has approximately 8 million (give or take a few) people who can’t wait to tell you that this isn’t the motto of the Post Office at all, but instead a Greek description of the Persian Post Office, which apparently ran a very tight ship way back in 500 BC, immortalized by the Persian Historian Herodotus, who coined the above phrase.

Anyway...

As tough as these Persians were though, I don’t think they can hold a candle to the new tough guy (or girl), the TOBACCO SMOKER.

The TOBACCO SMOKER endures the rhetoric of the Government (while paying crazy-high taxes on each pack to it) for the privilege of continuing to be smacked down by laws saying where they can smoke and blamed for high insurance rates. They also must deal with the laid-upon-them guilt of inflicting others with secondhand smoke.

The TOBACCO SMOKER is directly in the cross-hairs of the Surgeon General, who smugly informs them that smoking could cause health problems. Oh yeah? Well, I think the Surgeon General could stand to lose some weight.

The TOBACCO SMOKER must go outside to smoke, says the collector of the crazy-high taxes. The TOBACCO SMOKER stands out in the elements, braving snow, rain, heat, gloom of night and other people that the TOBACCO SMOKER has nothing in common with save perhaps their brand of tobacco or their future oncologist.

The TOBACCO SMOKER is no longer welcome in diners, bowling alleys or pool rooms, places where they once were accepted, loved and encouraged. Instead they are banished to the outer regions and must stand by the back door, sometimes all alone, ashing into a coffee cup or (oh my!) on the ground, polluting the environment with the ashes we will all become eventually anyway.

And to them, this sacrifice for vice is worth it. I don’t smoke, I don’t plan to, I don’t want my kids to, but I admire the TOBACCO SMOKER’s committment to freedom in the face of such oppression.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

Darrell Teubner, Editor

It was sunny, with a high of 96...

From the April 1 Issue of the County Journal...

I’ve been sick (ill) for a week or so now and someone asked me if I had gotten my flu shot this year.

Now, I’m not telling you how to run your life, but I don’t get flu shots.

I know I’ve had the flu a few times in my life, but I don’t remember a specific instance, besides the time that it was viral encephalitis. (of course, the time it was viral encephalitis, it WASN’T the flu, it just had the symptoms of the flu)
As far as shots go though, I have a pretty good memory.

On Friday August 12, 1977 (I was 10 years old) I went to the doctor with my mother for a check-up for school. It was noted at the time that I hadn’t had my Tetanus shot.

So with no concern for my immediate safety (and no protest from my mother) the doctor pulled up the sleeve on my blue shirt, got out a needle the size of an industrial-size caulking gun, jammed it into my arm and held it there for four or five minutes (it may have been quicker than this, but this is what I remember) before pulling it back out and giving me a band-aid and a grape Tootsie-pop, which didn’t do a thing to stop the incredible pain I was experiencing.

My arm hurt for about two days. I remember lying on the couch that afternoon with my arm dangling off watching the Cubs play the Phillies on WGN. The Phillies jumped out and scored 3 runs in the second inning and 4 runs in the third inning and went on to win 10-3. (I remember Dad saying the umpiring was terrible.) I remember my arm throbbing as Steve Carlton got the win for the Phillies while Rick Reuschel took the loss for the Cubs. Frank Pulli was the home plate umpire. The attendance was 28,849.

And my arm kept hurting that night when we had chicken casserole with biscuits. It smarted while Gabe Kaplan guest hosted the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I remember the guests were Roy Clark, Tom Smothers and Susan St. James, who talked about her career now that McMillian and Wife had been cancelled.

I remember that it hurt the next day when I went outside to get the newspaper. I found a penny (it was heads up, 1974 D) on the way back up the driveway, but it didn’t stop my arm from hurting.

And as I said, I don’t really remember having the flu.

Darrell Teubner, Editor

Champions!

From the March 25, 2010 Issue of the County Journal...

When you are a kid, you hear things, most notably “Life isn’t fair.” But for this past weekend in Murfreesboro…

Life WAS fair: This time, it was. The hardest work, the most dedication and the best fans got the prize this time. There were more Bolivar Central fans in the stands for any team in the finals, including three schools much closer in travel time. Senior Jay Murphy won the tournament MVP, and earned it with both his play and his leadership.

Good things come to those who wait: Head Coach Rick Rudesill said last year would stick in his mind for a long time. Maybe somewhere in his psyche, it still does. But I’m sure it hurts less now. Murphy and fellow senior Ricky Tisdale started for four seasons and finally ended their great careers with a championship. Senior Kegan Fuller’s enthusiasm and the embodiment of “TDQ” (Tigers Don’t Quit) was rewarded with the gold ball. And that leads us to the next one.

Good things happen to good people: “Good kids and good students,” said Coach Rudesill, “I can’t say that for all the teams, but I can this year.” The good kids went from the starters to the last player on the bench.

There IS justice in the world: When you beat a team three times in a row, and twice in the playoffs, you would think that is enough to settle the issue of who is the better team. But it wasn’t. Bolivar had to beat Liberty once more to win the state title. Our worry was that all those past wins over Liberty would be for nothing (and they would have been) if the Tigers were to have an off day in the final. It was annoying to think beating someone twice in the playoffs wasn’t enough and worse still, that saying so after a loss would just sound terrible. The thought of Liberty with the golden ball after Bolivar’s fantastic season was enough to make us queasy. But we shouldn’t have worried. The Tigers knew who was better. “We heard them saying they wanted us,” explained Fuller, “So we thought we’d give them what they wanted.”
Which brings us to one more - Be careful what you wish for. You may get it: Bolivar’s dominant performance on championship Saturday proved all of the above. It didn’t matter that Liberty’s players were more celebrated by people outside Hardeman County. It didn’t matter what people thought of Bolivar’s “talent.”

“I’m learning to redefine it,” said Rudesill during the Saturday press conference after the game. “It’s heart.”

Darrell Teubner, Editor

So there...

From the March 18 Issue of The County Journal...

It has been pointed out to us that we have a “lack of crime” on the front page of the County Journal. So here you go:

The Chicago Police Department has issued a warrant for the arrest of Leroy Brown of the South Side of Chicago. Chicago Police consider Mr. Brown the most dangerous man in the entirety of the city, would give King Kong a run for his money were he to travel to New York City, and is considered more vicious (or perhaps meaner) than a junkyard dog.

Mr. Brown was allegedly involved in an altercation a week ago Friday in a south side bar. Mr. Brown and an unknown man were seen rolling on the floor after Mr. Brown allegedly made romantic advances toward the unknown man’s girlfriend, reportedly a nice-looking girl named Doris.

It is known that Mr. Brown emerged from the fight bruised and bloody. The other man’s condition was not known.

Mr. Brown has been under suspicion by the Chicago Police stemming from allegations of illegal gambling (dice games) and carrying a concealed weapon without a permit (a .32 caliber pistol). Also, Mr. Brown is alleged to have a razor in his shoe.
A description of Mr. Brown lists him as 6 feet 4 and is gives two known aliases: “Treetop Lover” and “Sir.”

Mr. Brown is known to like to wear fancy clothes to flaunt his many diamond rings.
The Department of Motor Vehicles lists Mr. Brown the owner of both a Custom-built Lincoln Continental and a Cadillac El Dorado.
***
The police also wish you to be on the lookout for Jim Walker. He has been known to frequent pool halls on 42nd Street, where he is considered quite proficient at hustling, according to Willie “Slim” McCoy of Alabama.

While not academically gifted, Jim is described as “stronger than a country hoss” and is called “boss” by his acquaintances, who are also considered dangerous.

If spotted, it has been estimated that attempting to apprehend him alone may be as dangerous as “tugging on Superman’s Cape,” “spitting into the wind,” or “pulling the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger.” Use caution.
***
Finally, there is a report of a shooting in Rosa’s Cantina in El Paso, but the details are unknown, except that a reported love triangle ended in the violent death of a “handsome young stranger.” The alleged shooter is wanted for murder and horse-theft, but is thought to have perished at the hands of 17 or more cowboys while returning to the scene of the crime.

How’s that?

Darrell Teubner, Editor

Still Crazy After All These Issues...

From the March 11 Issue of the County Journal...

While I listening to a local broadcaster describe a poorly officiated basketball game the other night, I happened to come upon the AFI’s (American Film Institute) Best 100 Movies of All-Time.

After I got over the disappointment that Point Break or The Muppet Movie didn’t make the list, I noticed Casablanca, (the tale of a statistically impossible reunion of two lovers) was #2. Having seen it five or so times, I can say I like the movie (I think it is better than Citizen Kane, although I now understand why he went crazy) but it requires a certain amount of suspension of belief.

The premise that Ilsa would just happen to come by a bar (on another continent) run by Rick, who she was in love with in Paris right before she found out her husband hadn’t been murdered by the Nazis after all, is just silly. It’s too much of a coincidence that they would ever see each again.

I once lived in a town while an ex-girlfriend was there at the same time. The town had about six thousand people and you could drive across it in 15 minutes (as opposed to two continents) and I never saw her by accident on any ocassion, except one night in the gym when she was kissing another guy.

The guy was a short, skinny geek that hadn’t had a girlfriend before (not that I knew of) and here he was kissing my cheerleader girlfriend near where (the location in the gym) I used to sit on the bench for the basketball team.

But it wasn’t that he was kissing her that bothered me the most, although, as I recall, that was a large part of the problem.

No, the thing that bothered me most was that it occurred to me his type (skinny geek) was the kind of guy she liked…now, either I wasn’t geek enough, or...never mind.

Anyway, the idea that after all those years Ilsa would walk into Rick’s American Cafe was just a little out of my believable zone.

But, that’s why the story was made into a movie, I suppose.

Darrell Teubner, Editor

It was sunny, with a high of 96...

From the March 5, 2010 issue of the County Journal

With Poor Richard’s Almanac, my ESV (English Standard Version) Bible, the New England Journal of Medicine, Bartlett’s Quotations, a World Atlas, and Robert’s Rules of Order at the ready, I put the kids in the truck and headed out for our 20-minute ride to church.

As is their habit, the kids began firing questions as soon as we left the driveway. They led off with a simple one: How do you get to China? I explained that China was a long way from us and you needed to fly over the ocean and I wasn’t sure which way I would go, either east or west. I assured them you couldn’t “dig for China” and that I didn’t know if the kids over there were told to “dig for America” or not.

Then we heard question #2: When is summer going to be here? June 21. The forecast calls for sunny skies and a high of 87.

As we turned right from Lake Hardeman Road onto Highway 125, I was asked about junkyard dogs. Why are they in the junkyard, where do they sleep at the junkyard, will they let you go up and pet them, and why would a dog want to be at the junkyard in the first place?

Question #4 was about why you had to get shots at the doctor, when the shots hurt more than getting sick in the first place...

Number five came up because our new reader in the family (now when we spell words to each other so they won’t know what we are talking about, we have to use words so big that I usually don’t understand either) wondered what a “thru truck” was and why you couldn’t have any of them and should we tell on our neighbor for having a big truck. My explanation raised more questions than it retired, although I assured them the neighbor was not in violation of county law.

There were others, such as the designated hitter rule, why cats have whiskers, the biggest pine cone I have ever seen and if dogs had a language or are they barking to just bark, which was a sidelight to the junkyard dog volley of questions.

Someday, they will decide I don’t know what I’m talking about and I’ll only get silence from the back seat. But in the meantime, I hope it’s nice on June 21. I’d like to have gotten one right.

Darrell Teubner, Editor

All the world's a stage...

From the February 26, 2010 Issue of the County Journal...

It’s fun to laugh with your friends. And your best friends will let you laugh with them and, sometimes, at them.

Almost ten years ago, a group set out to let us do just that, and so a few times a year we get to dress up and go to see the fruits of countless hours of planning, both on the stage and behind the scenes.

You watch people you work with, work for and work alongside at times, put on a show, an original or perhaps an old favorite. And they do it for nothing, well not for money. You know they do it because they love it.

You laugh at their jokes, sometimes because you know them. But you also marvel at their ability to make us laugh, even more so because you’ve seen them during the not so funny times too.

You sit at tables and meet new people or hang out with old friends. You’re there because you have things in common…maybe a relative or friend is part of the production. Or maybe you just like being a patron of the arts in a community that values the arts.

You watch the show. During the intermission, you realize (if you hadn’t already) you’re part of an event, an event in your county, put on by your county for your county.

Afterward, you get to go through the receiving line and congratulate those who entertained you. You tell them they were great and you can see it in their eyes that it matters to them, because we count each other as friends. These aren’t jaded performers for hire, they’re businessmen and women, housewives, teachers and students who live amongst us. You realize they are us. You’re a little jealous. You want to be part of it. You wished you had auditioned.

Some people give money to causes. Some give time. Some just show up and enjoy it. But the most fun is getting to do all three.

May it never stop.

Darrell Teubner, Editor

The Circle of Career...

From the February 19, 2010 Issue of the County Journal...

When I was 18 years old and was in-between colleges (waiting for another semester to start), I got a job as the Sports Editor of a bi-weekly newspaper in Morehead, Kentucky. My job, they told me, was to report on all the local sports, both college and high school. Perfect. Right up my alley.

And then they dropped the bomb.

I had to do a Man on the Street interview for each week. I would take a picture of five local citizens and ask them a question, such as, “Do you think Ronald Reagan will push the button?” Their photo and their answer would appear in the next issue of the paper.

My first few weeks featured mostly people I knew. My boss then made a rule I couldn’t use anyone under 25 years old. Then another rule that I couldn’t be related to them. And then he said that I couldn’t give them $10 or offer to wash their car.

So I hung out at the post office, a solitary figure with a notepad and camera stalking people as they came to get their mail. It was pathetic.

For a while I was IN the Post Office, until people complained. Then I was on the front steps of the Post Office until later I moved (involuntarily) to the sidewalk in front of the Post Office, where Federal Laws didn’t apply. A week later, I moved to the Trademore Shopping Center out near Interstate 64, where I stood in front of the Goody’s (or maybe it was Payless Shoes, I can’t remember) and tried not to look desperate.

This was not much better although I didn’t have to bear the threats of the Postmaster, which I suppose was an improvement.

The problem was, normal people didn’t want to talk to me. No one wanted to tell an 18-year old kid if they thought, for example, “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” should have won the Academy Award for Best Picture. The people that would share, well, their answers weren’t all that newsworthy.

Question: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Answer: Well, unless they move this bench, I’ll be right here. That banana on the ground is mine, you understand?

So when a local radio station offered me a job a few months later, I quickly gave up my dreams of working at a newspaper.

Well, until now.

Darrell Teubner, Editor