Sports report...

MY HOUSE, USA – __________________ was benched after the first half of Thursday's portion of marriage and parenthood following a miserable performance in which he committed three gaffs and failed to produce any thing of worth for his family.

_____________________ was caught napping during a Food Network show, allowed the kids to play in the mud and did nothing when the kids wiped their noses on their sleeve, all of which produced a miserable 13.2 husband and parent rating.

Thursday’s performance marked the second straight week of sub-par play. One week earlier, he forgot to replace the toilet paper in the bathroom, left a banana peel on the kitchen counter and answered “huh?” when asked what he was thinking.

To begin the second half, ________________ was replaced by a Veggie Tales DVD and a Dora the Explorer coloring book.

“We think he needed a chance to step away and get some focus,” said Coach __________________, “We don’t know about next week yet. Too early to tell.”

Don't worry, I found the beer...

I was in the grocery store yesterday trying to buy some smoked summer sausage to go with crackers and cheese. I've got a coupon for an angioplasty and I need to use it before 2010.

But I couldn't find the summer sausage. The grocers always keep them on an end cap or somewhere different (and they keep moving them around) in the store because (I guess) they think smoked summer sausage is an impulse buy.

While this may be true, I had the impulse when I got up for breakfast, while I was brushing my teeth, while I drove to the office, while I was at work, and when I pulled into the parking lot of the store...and I couldn't find it. I walked up and down every aisle. When I have had this problem before, I would ask someone (usually an employee of the store) but they wouldn't know either. So I have quit asking for help.

Eventually, after a complete tour of the facility, I found them near the bread, combined in a display with crackers and cheese whiz (ugh) and a big paper mache turkey. It wasted a good 20 minutes. This is usually how it goes.

This has to be fixed.

After all, it was one of Obama's promises, wasn't it?

Bring your lunch...

A group of people from here are heading to Washington, DC for the swearing in of the new President of the United States on January 20.

They plan to join the estimated 4 million people who will cram into the Mall area to see history being made, I was told.

(I think the historical achievement may turn out to be the successful sale of the $5 per-use pay toilet and the $14 hot dog/chip combo…not necessarily in that order)

Four million people (and a lot less, actually) scare me to a significant degree. I don’t even go to Taco Bell when there is more than one person waiting in the drive-thru.

Good News!

Washington, DC— Warren Buffet announced that the so called “recession” that has gripped the country will soon end, as he will put back into the economy the 4.5 billion dollars his maid found in his pants pocket while doing the wash.

“I went out with some friends and had a beer or two,” he explained, “I guess it just slipped my mind when I got home.”

He added that he looked behind his dresser and even in the ash tray in his car before his maid told him that she had the extra money in the mason jar in the laundry room.

“I knew I had that extra cash somewhere,” the 68-year old investor, businessman and philanthropist said. “It was just a matter of asking around to find it.”

“I mean, it’s stupid to think there isn’t money out there,” he said while putting back the cushions on his couch, “It’s not like the money went somewhere…somebody has it to spend.”

Working with kids...

A young man (five years younger than I) said to me yesterday, “But of course, I’m younger than you.”

He said it as a dig, to perhaps let me know that he had a better life because he was born later than I was.

I don’t understand this. Never have. So far…I’ve gotten to live more, do more, have more fun, recover from more mistakes, drink more beer, etc than this “young’in.” Why would I mourn this? And as I’ve noticed, there is no guarantee that he will ever get to be my age.

So, as far I’m concerned, I’ve already got to do what he is hoping to get to.

And of course, my advanced years makes me smarter (and wiser) than him also.

I guess I'll stay at the station...

I watched the movies, “Rounders” and “21” in the past few weeks. They are both about card players, one a poker player and the other in blackjack.

They were brilliant at their craft and very successful but their success was immediately followed with a beat-down (blood all over the place) and robbery of all they had that left them dead-broke and desperate. One of the beat-downs even came from the cops.

This has dampened my idea of going to Vegas (or Tunica) and winning a bunch of money.

Prophet without honor...

Now that basketball season is here, I remember one game very well from high school.

In the locker room before the game, the coach came in and announced we would lose. We were better than the other team, he explained, but we weren’t going to play well. He didn’t really say why.

And this was the extent of his pre-game preparation, to tell us that we were going to lose.

He was right. We lost.

Obviously, he’s not the coach anymore (he only lasted one more season). And what he thought he was accomplishing that night will always be a mystery to me.

And of course, Mr. Boston’s Guide for Coping with Small Children

Last week, Random House contacted me to write a book that includes ideas on parenting. I am currently considering a few ideas:

Play-Doh…The Enemy Within – In this science fiction novel, the combination of flour, salt and vegetable oil join forces to permeate every possible nook and cranny of the house of an unsuspecting couple.

Just Buy Two of Everything (or one for each kid)– For parents without the sense to have at least seven year intervals between children.

I Thought YOU Said it was Okay – Helpful answers to avoid being blamed for crayon marks on the wall.

Sorry, I Wish I Could – A list of creative (never repeating) projects to start (or continue) when you smell a dirty diaper, are detailed.

Can You Just Eat Half of Them? - Parents learn negotiation tactics from Retired SWAT Team Members.

Mo Dat – Translation of common phrases for new parents.

Why Me? I Didn’t Give Him the Carrots – In this book, Mom and Dad decide on how to divide daily tasks.

I rented "Expelled"...

I was in the video store last night and I saw a video game called “Scarface, The World is Yours”

Now, as fine a movie as I’m sure this was (the only thing I know about it is the line about his little friend…maybe it was Sleepy...or Grumpy...or one of the Smurfs, I don't know) I couldn’t image how the video game version would work. So I picked up the box.

The label had this warning: Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Strong Language, Use of Drugs, Sexual Themes

Ok, first of all, how do you use drugs in a video game?

And the box had more reasons to buy this game:

“Beat down, blow away or run over your enemies with Tony’s signature style and flair.”

“Bury those cock-a-roches in blind rage mode!”

“Experience the lavish lifestyle of a crime boss. Hire henchmen to do your dirty work.”

Um...who would I be rooting for?

Or watched Oprah...

Saturday I went to the drug store and bought a bunch of stuff to “cure” my cold.

I’m not an “ounce of prevention” guy.

To me, an ounce of prevention is only worth a pound of cure if your experience is that you are sick every 15 days or less. With me, the pound of cure beats the 180 or so ounces of prevention and allows me the peace of mind of not worrying like crazy each and every day that I’m about to get sick.

Also, I never really think about how lousy illness is until I actually have it.

The medicine I got is mostly stuff that just puts you to sleep. I should have just rented Godfather III.

I have a few home remedies that I use…the one with the spoon, salt and water is one of my favorites. The one I’m still afraid to try is the spoon, cayenne pepper, water and a vacuum cleaner with the hose attachment.