Sports report...

MY HOUSE, USA – __________________ was benched after the first half of Thursday's portion of marriage and parenthood following a miserable performance in which he committed three gaffs and failed to produce any thing of worth for his family.

_____________________ was caught napping during a Food Network show, allowed the kids to play in the mud and did nothing when the kids wiped their noses on their sleeve, all of which produced a miserable 13.2 husband and parent rating.

Thursday’s performance marked the second straight week of sub-par play. One week earlier, he forgot to replace the toilet paper in the bathroom, left a banana peel on the kitchen counter and answered “huh?” when asked what he was thinking.

To begin the second half, ________________ was replaced by a Veggie Tales DVD and a Dora the Explorer coloring book.

“We think he needed a chance to step away and get some focus,” said Coach __________________, “We don’t know about next week yet. Too early to tell.”

Don't worry, I found the beer...

I was in the grocery store yesterday trying to buy some smoked summer sausage to go with crackers and cheese. I've got a coupon for an angioplasty and I need to use it before 2010.

But I couldn't find the summer sausage. The grocers always keep them on an end cap or somewhere different (and they keep moving them around) in the store because (I guess) they think smoked summer sausage is an impulse buy.

While this may be true, I had the impulse when I got up for breakfast, while I was brushing my teeth, while I drove to the office, while I was at work, and when I pulled into the parking lot of the store...and I couldn't find it. I walked up and down every aisle. When I have had this problem before, I would ask someone (usually an employee of the store) but they wouldn't know either. So I have quit asking for help.

Eventually, after a complete tour of the facility, I found them near the bread, combined in a display with crackers and cheese whiz (ugh) and a big paper mache turkey. It wasted a good 20 minutes. This is usually how it goes.

This has to be fixed.

After all, it was one of Obama's promises, wasn't it?

Bring your lunch...

A group of people from here are heading to Washington, DC for the swearing in of the new President of the United States on January 20.

They plan to join the estimated 4 million people who will cram into the Mall area to see history being made, I was told.

(I think the historical achievement may turn out to be the successful sale of the $5 per-use pay toilet and the $14 hot dog/chip combo…not necessarily in that order)

Four million people (and a lot less, actually) scare me to a significant degree. I don’t even go to Taco Bell when there is more than one person waiting in the drive-thru.

Good News!

Washington, DC— Warren Buffet announced that the so called “recession” that has gripped the country will soon end, as he will put back into the economy the 4.5 billion dollars his maid found in his pants pocket while doing the wash.

“I went out with some friends and had a beer or two,” he explained, “I guess it just slipped my mind when I got home.”

He added that he looked behind his dresser and even in the ash tray in his car before his maid told him that she had the extra money in the mason jar in the laundry room.

“I knew I had that extra cash somewhere,” the 68-year old investor, businessman and philanthropist said. “It was just a matter of asking around to find it.”

“I mean, it’s stupid to think there isn’t money out there,” he said while putting back the cushions on his couch, “It’s not like the money went somewhere…somebody has it to spend.”

Working with kids...

A young man (five years younger than I) said to me yesterday, “But of course, I’m younger than you.”

He said it as a dig, to perhaps let me know that he had a better life because he was born later than I was.

I don’t understand this. Never have. So far…I’ve gotten to live more, do more, have more fun, recover from more mistakes, drink more beer, etc than this “young’in.” Why would I mourn this? And as I’ve noticed, there is no guarantee that he will ever get to be my age.

So, as far I’m concerned, I’ve already got to do what he is hoping to get to.

And of course, my advanced years makes me smarter (and wiser) than him also.

I guess I'll stay at the station...

I watched the movies, “Rounders” and “21” in the past few weeks. They are both about card players, one a poker player and the other in blackjack.

They were brilliant at their craft and very successful but their success was immediately followed with a beat-down (blood all over the place) and robbery of all they had that left them dead-broke and desperate. One of the beat-downs even came from the cops.

This has dampened my idea of going to Vegas (or Tunica) and winning a bunch of money.

Prophet without honor...

Now that basketball season is here, I remember one game very well from high school.

In the locker room before the game, the coach came in and announced we would lose. We were better than the other team, he explained, but we weren’t going to play well. He didn’t really say why.

And this was the extent of his pre-game preparation, to tell us that we were going to lose.

He was right. We lost.

Obviously, he’s not the coach anymore (he only lasted one more season). And what he thought he was accomplishing that night will always be a mystery to me.

And of course, Mr. Boston’s Guide for Coping with Small Children

Last week, Random House contacted me to write a book that includes ideas on parenting. I am currently considering a few ideas:

Play-Doh…The Enemy Within – In this science fiction novel, the combination of flour, salt and vegetable oil join forces to permeate every possible nook and cranny of the house of an unsuspecting couple.

Just Buy Two of Everything (or one for each kid)– For parents without the sense to have at least seven year intervals between children.

I Thought YOU Said it was Okay – Helpful answers to avoid being blamed for crayon marks on the wall.

Sorry, I Wish I Could – A list of creative (never repeating) projects to start (or continue) when you smell a dirty diaper, are detailed.

Can You Just Eat Half of Them? - Parents learn negotiation tactics from Retired SWAT Team Members.

Mo Dat – Translation of common phrases for new parents.

Why Me? I Didn’t Give Him the Carrots – In this book, Mom and Dad decide on how to divide daily tasks.

I rented "Expelled"...

I was in the video store last night and I saw a video game called “Scarface, The World is Yours”

Now, as fine a movie as I’m sure this was (the only thing I know about it is the line about his little friend…maybe it was Sleepy...or Grumpy...or one of the Smurfs, I don't know) I couldn’t image how the video game version would work. So I picked up the box.

The label had this warning: Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Strong Language, Use of Drugs, Sexual Themes

Ok, first of all, how do you use drugs in a video game?

And the box had more reasons to buy this game:

“Beat down, blow away or run over your enemies with Tony’s signature style and flair.”

“Bury those cock-a-roches in blind rage mode!”

“Experience the lavish lifestyle of a crime boss. Hire henchmen to do your dirty work.”

Um...who would I be rooting for?

Or watched Oprah...

Saturday I went to the drug store and bought a bunch of stuff to “cure” my cold.

I’m not an “ounce of prevention” guy.

To me, an ounce of prevention is only worth a pound of cure if your experience is that you are sick every 15 days or less. With me, the pound of cure beats the 180 or so ounces of prevention and allows me the peace of mind of not worrying like crazy each and every day that I’m about to get sick.

Also, I never really think about how lousy illness is until I actually have it.

The medicine I got is mostly stuff that just puts you to sleep. I should have just rented Godfather III.

I have a few home remedies that I use…the one with the spoon, salt and water is one of my favorites. The one I’m still afraid to try is the spoon, cayenne pepper, water and a vacuum cleaner with the hose attachment.

Doing what you love and loving what you do...

Each time Gracie tries to build a castle out of Lego blocks, John likes to join in. Usually his efforts are a bit more destructive than constructive. It’s just a reflex. He’s trying to play too.

So today Grace the Architect was working about 10 minutes at her latest creation, when John the Building Inspector made his appearance and knocked it flat, throwing blocks in three different directions.

The Architect screamed and cried. The Building Inspector retreated from the scene…but this time with not just the emotionless face of a man doing his job, but with the smirk of a little boy who really is enjoying it.

It’s official. The game is on.

The Haircut Fits. Now.

I always wanted to be a Marine. Still do.

The idea of a team that didn’t break up, no matter what, appealed to me. I wanted to be part of something like that.

I liked the “truth” that the guy in the movie said I couldn’t handle. (even if he was the "bad guy") That there were ideals that rose above “me first,” things like “honor” and “code.”

But at the time I was age-eligible for the “corps,” I was about six feet tall and weighed 125 pounds and was, at that time, 0-fer in fights in my life. And I couldn’t swim very well. And if Riddick Bowe couldn’t do it, what chance did I have?

This seemed to end the possibility of my career as a jarhead. But mentally, I was there.

As said (by a different guy in a different movie)…a man’s got to know his limitations.

And then there's the one about the guy with a blog...

I have about three ideas for a novel per month.

Sometimes they are just fleeting ideas as I’m lying in bed trying to go to sleep. I usually fall asleep before they get developed. This lets me know they aren’t very good ideas.

But I have one idea that I have been thinking about for more than 10 years.

It’s about a guy that lived all over the country as a child. In his late 20’s, he begins to hear stories of his childhood friends in each town being murdered. As quickly as he figures out what is going on, he is under suspicion, seemingly framed for the murders.

What I haven’t gotten to yet (in my development) is who is framing him. Is it a conniving wife? A jealous friend? A local golf professional? Or just a coincidence?

His only chance is to try to find the truth. But each day he searches for the killer convinces the cops that he is the guilty one.

So many questions to answer, so little time…Will he find the killer? And if he does, can he prove it? Is the guy at the local deli using Miracle Whip instead of Mayonnaise?

And why is he hooking his tee shots?

What you write after you spend all day at the hospital...

When I was 12 or so I went to a birthday party for a kid from my class. When I got there, the house was empty except for a couple of other friends. His mother was drunk hadn’t planned anything. (His father wasn’t in the picture…never met him)

That night, we played pool and had a good time. It wasn’t until years later I found out about his mom that night.

The next month, his house caught fire. He stayed at my house for a couple of days while his mom found a new place to live.

The old place was fixed and he moved back in. A year later it exploded one day while he was at school.

And yet through all this hardship, he was a fair-weather friend and a backstabber. He wouldn’t hesitate to sell someone out or short if it benefitted him.

And whenever I think about this, I end up not knowing what to think, really.

More filling...tastes great

I used to joke that the lottery was a tax on people who couldn’t calculate odds. 

Also, I used to joke about the odds were less that you would win the lottery than the odds that you would be struck by lightning…twice. 

To which my lottery-playing colleague would say…”obviously, if you never play.”  He had a point. 

I’m seeing the lottery stuff when I buy (not quite daily, but close) Pepsi and bag of Chesters Hot Fries.  I’m not sure that I’m really playing the odds correctly on that one.

The Tennessee Lottery has about 10 different ways to win…or lose.  I can’t seem to figure it out.  And the guy behind the counter in my convenience store of most convenience doesn’t seem interested in helping me out.  He looks like the kind of guy that would try to talk me out of buying a pack of cigarettes instead of just reaching behind and grabbing the Marlboro Lights. 

I’m actually a little leery of the whole thing…I feel like the second I handed over the money to the clerk, the cops would jump out of the shadows, slap cuffs on me and lead me away. 

The Pepsi and bag of hot fries lasts for about a half an hour and all I feel is a little fire in the belly for my $2. 

I assume the lost dollar wouldn’t be as filling.   And my taxes are high enough.  

It's raining right now...I'll be right back...

I have two problems with our garage.

First of all, I have to remember to raise the garage door BEFORE I back out in the morning.

This was a problem recently. But I think the small dent on the back of my car, the panic that hit me when I heard the crash (I’m still having flashbacks), the embarrassment involved with the whole thing, and the small dent on the garage may help me remember this for a few weeks at least.

The other problem is that the car is always dirty due to the fact that the car doesn't sit outside anymore.

I have always been a Calvinist* as to the cleanliness of the outside of my car...i.e…when God wanted me to have a clean car, it rained.

But now that I have a garage, I may have try to keep the car clean in my own strength (and worry that my car may lose its cleanliness at any time) and make the switch over to Arminianism.*

Or I could alternate days that I park it inside the garage (thereby knowing what would/wouldn't have happened if I had/hadn't parked it inside/outside) and become a follower of Monlinsim.*

*Calvinism: http://www.answers.com/topic/calvinism
*Arminianism: http://www.gotquestions.org/arminianism.html
*Monlinism: http://www.gotquestions.org/molinism.html

Internet Milk Carton...

SPONTANEOUS DISAPPEARANCE
The Stupid Scholar

Aliases: Billy Joe, The Secret Smoker, Hey You There with the Beard

DESCRIPTION

Date of Birth: Early 80’s

Hair: Black
Place of Birth: Maryland

Eyes: Brown
Height: 5'10"

Sex: Male
Weight: Unknown

Race: White
Occupation: Academics

LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS

The Stupid Scholar was heard from on August 26, 2008 on his blog when he posted something about free time and then on September 6, 2008 a link to a video saying, “This is what I want to be when I grow up.” He has not been seen since. He has not posted. He has simply vanished.

A search of D.C. area bars and taverns is being conducted. Be on the lookout for a man fitting the above description mumbling in greek and hebrew.

You can tell people you heard it here first...

I’m sure it’s a big rush for songwriters or performers to hear their song on the radio or to hear someone singing along with the lyrics.

So when Gracie was singing “If I had some pepperoni” last night, I was very proud. John even sang along.

I composed this little ditty one night (a night we weren’t eating pizza, strangely enough) in the living room during the time between mid-afternoon and dinner. It even had a dance that went with it. And months later, we still are heard to be singing it upon occasion, although now usually right before bedtime.

Here are the lyrics…

If I had some pepperoni
I’d be a happy guy

If I had some pepperoni
Why…I’d feel like ten-feet-high!

Pepperoni, if I had some
My life would be complete

Pepperoni, if I had some
Beet, beet, beet, beet, beet

Enjoy. If you decide to mass market it and make a bunch of money, please send me my cut.

Enjoy it while it lasts...

New York, NY-- The producers at Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC have announced that they will sit on their sets and just stare in silence at each other for the next three weeks.

“We’ve got nothing to report or say,” said CNN News Executive Bill Walden. “Not until the next election starts, that is.”

Hillary Clinton, Mitt Romney, whoever loses today, and others are expected to announce their candidacy for the 2012 Presidential race in the next few weeks and will travel to New Hampshire to begin campaigning in January.

“The most important election of our lifetime is 2012,” said one candidate. “For me, that is.”

One more time I should have kept my mouth shut...

During dinner I was daydreaming (about how I should have posted something last Friday about Halloween and how the Democrats must have invented the idea of going door to door getting handouts) when I realized that there was a protest being lodged by Gracie regarding green beans.

We told her she didn’t have to eat them. She likes green beans, but tonight was different, she told us. She didn’t want to eat them. Fine, we said.

As a kid, I was kind of a picky eater, and hence, Holli and I don’t have a “sit until you eat it” policy at our house…it never made sense to me that I was still sitting at the table two hours after dinner because (in my opinion) the food was lousy.

Mom worked during the day and as she reminded me often, it wasn’t “running a restaurant” nor was she a “short-order cook.”

One night I (without much thought to what it might mean to my immediate future) said, “Yeah, no kidding!”

The response I got to this statement wasn’t laughter. I can’t really even laugh about it now.