Dear Mr. and Mrs. _______________,
We regret to inform you that your son’s development in the past year was not sufficient to allow him to be promoted to the next age. We feel another year at 40 will allow him to mature and keep him from falling further behind his contemporaries.
This decision is based on key events of the past year and we have included recommendations for the coming year.
1. He should have bought Amazon stock in June, not October.
2. During the Nevin Shootout in May, he should have hit a normal 8-iron instead of trying a knockdown 7-iron on the 16th hole.
3. He should never go “all-in” with three of a kind. We repeatedly cautioned him on this.
4. He should avoid the Miami and San Juan airports at all costs.
5. When a waiter brings him hot sauce with 357,000 Scoville units (as we know, Tabasco has only 5000), scoffing and dumping it all on his Malaysian Chicken is something we hope his ego (and the rest of his body) can avoid in the coming year.
6. He should continue to avoid Tequila. This is something he did very well on in the past year. We hope he will continue.
7. When asked by his wife, “What are you thinking?” Please counsel him to answer either “how wonderful you are” or “how beautiful you are” or even “how lucky I am to have you.” Answers like, “Nothing”, “I don’t know” and “I should have hit a normal 8-iron instead of a knockdown 7-iron” are not considered appropriate responses.
We hope that another 40th year will give him the needed skills to progress toward adulthood, whatever that is.
Sincerely,
William Porter Walden
