Legal Services...

There is a great difficulty in obtaining inexpensive legal services and documents. I hope this will help. If you use this, send me a dollar to cover my expenses...

PERSONAL SERVICES AGREEMENT

BETWEEN Mr. ___________________ (hereafter known as “THE GUY ABOUT TO SNAP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH”) AND Mr. _______________ (hereafter known as “THE SELF-CENTERED MORON”)

THIS AGREEMENT is made and entered into as of the date of the last signature affixed below by and between THE GUY ABOUT TO SNAP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH and THE SELF-CENTERED MORON.

THE GUY ABOUT TO SNAP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH, in the exercise of his duties, has determined that the demands of THE SELF-CENTERED MORON are excessive.

THE GUY ABOUT TO SNAP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH has concluded that the threat of THE SELF-CENTERED MORON to never return (unless he is allowed to act like a spoiled child) is a satisfactory agreement to which he is willing to enter into.

The parties mutually agree as follows:
1. The GUY ABOUT TO SNAP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH will not bend to the ridiculous demands of THE SELF-CENTERED MORON.
2. THE SELF-CENTERED MORON will never again come back to THE GUY ABOUT TO SNAP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH’s place of business.
3. This agreement could be altered by mutual agreement of both parties.

Entered into on this _______ day of _________, 2008.

THE GUY ABOUT TO SNAP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH

____________________________________

THE SELF-CENTERED MORON

_____________________________________

Look for more Legal Templates in the coming weeks…

An inconveniently timed truth...

R. Timothy Patterson, professor of geology and director of the Ottawa-Carleton Geoscience Center of Canada's Carleton University, says, "By 2020, the sun will be starting into its weakest Schwabe cycle of the past two centuries, likely leading to unusually cool conditions on Earth."

For more: http://www.iceagenow.com/Scientists_worried_about_new_ice_age.htm

The time is now, my friends. Unless we act now, we will certainly freeze to death. You can do your part by doing the following on a regular basis:

· STOP re-cycling glass bottles, jars, newspapers and magazines and tin cans. Just throw them away
· DO NOT re-use plastic shopping bags and envelopes
· GET RID of the compost heap. Ugh. What were you thinking?
· FLUSH the toilet for no reason. Often.
· USE TWICE AS MUCH TOILET PAPER AS YOU NEED. At least two plys between your fingers and the “to be wiped area.”
· ALWAYS fill the kettle up with twice the amount of water you need to boil that time
· LEAVE the TV or video ON at all times
· NEVER CAR POOL. Tell your friends to get their own SUV.
· WASH EVERYTHING IN HOT WATER
· LEAVE ALL THE LIGHTS ON AT ALL TIMES
· FLY instead of drive. DRIVE instead of walk. If you have nothing else to do, spray an aerosol can into the sky.

If we all work together, we can save the planet.

I even took a nap yesterday...

Holli and the kids have been gone for a few days. I’ve stayed out late, I’ve slept in the middle of the king-sized bed, I’ve left the toilet seat up, I’ve played golf everyday, I’ve been to poker, the casino and out to eat every night.

No one has asked me to get anyone up or ready for bed. I’ve been on my own.

I’ve eaten whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. I’ve owned the remote. I’ve played the stereo loud.

I’ve been the king of my castle.

I can’t wait for them to come back.

Wife left for a few days...RESTRAINING ORDER FILED...

DECLARATION OF Mr. ______________'s DIGESTIVE SYSTEM:

We, the digestive system of Mr. ____________ file request for this action. We have personal knowledge of the facts set forth in this declaration and can testify competently thereto.

The abuse Mr. _____________ has placed upon us in the recent days requires immediate restraint and must desist.

On February 6, 2008, Mr. ____________ ate nothing but Pizza and drank nothing but beer for dinner. On his pizza, he put an inappropriate amount of hot pepper flakes.

On February 7, 2008, Mr. ___________ drank nothing but Cayenne Lemonade and beer. He ate nothing other than rice for lunch and hot bratwurst for dinner. At Poker later that night, he ate two more bratwurst at the house of a friend, causing undue stress.

In light of this, we request the following:

By this action, Mr. _________ is mandated to stay at least 50 feet from anything with a sausage casing for a period of not less than 14 days. He must eat vegetables. He must drink at least 64 ounces of water (without Cayenne Pepper in it) per day.

Breach of this action will cause backlash even more catastrophic than the events of the morning of February 8, 2008, where Mr. ___________ was heard to promise a reformation in dietary habits while doubled over in pain and under extreme duress.

However, we have heard this one before.

We declare under penalty of perjury that the foregoing is true and correct. Executed on February 8, 2008.

I can't shake the idea that these people are evil...

When I was a kid, there was a kid down the street that seemed to be bulletproof. Nothing he ever did ever got him in trouble. His parents and their contacts bailed him out of everything.

The worst of his transgressions (that I knew of) was the night he drove through town at about 60 mph, ran four red lights and led the cops on a 10 mile chase before his crashed. Did I mention he was drunk?

He didn’t even lose his license. His pattern continued until I lost touch with him in the late 80’s.

He did whatever he wanted and lied his way out of it. He had no conscience and didn’t really ever pay any consequences. He sobered up long enough to get out of trouble and that was it. The truth was as he saw it. If you were in his way, he just ran you over. I stayed away from him as much as I could. He was vindictive and had no regard for the law.

I can’t tell him and the Clintons apart.

People are getting older and dumber.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers played the other night at halftime of the Super Bowl. I listened to him when I was a kid. He’s still out there, playing “American Girl”, “Refugee” and “Free Falling.” Back in the 80’s or so, when these songs came on the radio, I sang my lungs out. The lyrics were important…now they seem utterly ridiculous.

I moved on, why didn’t he?

As a teenager, I trusted that my boss at Burger King was a wise old soul in the area of not only fast food, but life. Certainly he had done something spectacular that had elevated him to the position of assistant night manager. They didn’t just hand those jobs out to anyone.

Years later I realize he was just a dumbass college student with a drinking problem.

He used to talk about “getting hit with the big stick,” which is the point in your life where innocence passes and you realize life is hard. Looking back, I don’t know what he could have been referring to. Maybe when Old Milwaukee’s Best Light when from $1.50 to $1.75 a six-pack.

By age 40, I thought I’d have it a little more together. But as I look around, neither does anyone else.

Is this what a mid-life crisis looks like?

Choose your own title…list at bottom…

My gender prevents me understanding this subject, I’m told. To be honest I probably don’t. To also be honest, I don’t think they understand either.

I can’t think of a correlating hardship for men. It dominates. Again, I don’t understand. I know I don’t. Really.

Because of it, I’ve seen Baklava fly faster than the speed of sound. And it was my fault. I’m not being sarcastic.

Drugs don’t help. I’ve taken everything I could get my hands on. You just have to grin, keep one eye open at all times, and bear it.

On the other hand, the National Hockey League is missing out on a great marketing campaign for their television broadcasts.

ANNOUNCERS VOICE: “Tonight’s second period is brought to you by Tampax!”

Actually, I don’t know how the NHL functions. They have three of them PER GAME.

I know…I don’t understand.

Titles considered for this post:
Well, I understand how I feel about it…
We can land a man on the moon, but we can’t fix this…
Old King Cole was a Merry Old Soul only about three weeks a month…
How to alienate half the population…
and/or
Why (some people say) you shouldn’t vote for Hillary…

I can't figure out if I'm organized or not...

My wife ordered a book from Amazon.

It’s called:
“Sink Reflections: Overwhelmed? Disorganized? Living in Chaos? The Fly Lady's Simple FLYing Lessons Will Show You How to Get Your Home and Your Life in Order--and It All Starts with Shining Your Sink!"

My first reaction is if the woman who wrote the book was organized, the title of the book would be shorter.

I seemed to remember seeing this book around the house at one point. It amused me to think that Holli was ordering it for the second time.

When I mentioned it to her (the fact that it was ironic she had to order another copy) she said she was buying it for a friend.

That makes sense. If her friend was organized, she'd probably order it herself. But I guess she wouldn't have to...it's quite a catch-22.

Maybe the test of whether you are organized is if you can find time to purchase it. If you actually read it, bonus points. And if you know where it is after you haven't looked at it for a while...you don't need it anymore.

Right now, Holli knows where two copies of the book are. This means she passes the test.

I think it rented for $150 a month...inc. utilities...

I’ve seen most of the Super Bowls. From the day the Dolphins beat the Redskins in 72 or 73, I’ve a memory of all of them. Except one.

The night before the Super Bowl of 1987, the phone rang in my trailer.

“Is Mike there?” his girlfriend asked.

“No, I haven’t seen him,” I replied. Just then the door opened and in walked Mike with another girl. Now, I was only 19 at the time, but I wasn’t stupid. Well, I was discreet, anyway. I stayed silent.

“Well, if you see him, let me know…I think he is out with another girl,” she said with a hint of panic in her voice.

“Well, I haven’t seen him,” I quickly lied and hung up.

After a few minutes of conversation, Mike and his replacement girlfriend for the evening left to go out. It was about 2 am. I noticed it had started snowing before I fell asleep on the couch.

That next morning, I had an early shift at the radio station (it was Sunday) and on my way in to town, the streets were deserted and covered with snow. About six blocks from the trailer, I saw a car that looked like Mike’s in the ditch.

I got to the station, put on the Sunday Morning programming (reel to reel) and laid down on the floor to get some sleep.

(On Sunday, I always brought a blanket, a pillow, and an alarm clock to wake me up for each half hour commercial break. To stay awake ALL THE TIME, I needed more than $3.25 an hour)

About 7:15 am, the phone rang at the station and woke me up. This time it was the police. They got to the point rather quickly.

“We have Mike ________ in our custody. He has been booked for driving under the influence of alcohol. Are you willing to insure that he will appear in court to answer the charges?”

Mike had gotten only five minutes into his plan to cheat on his girlfriend when he slid into the ditch. The cops stopped by to help and discovered a drunken Mike. Alone. Evidently, his clandestine date judged men based on their driving skills and had abandoned him.

Now, of course, Mike feels bad. And when his girlfriend picks him up at the jail, he spills the beans. Everything. Even the part about me knowing where he was and who he was with…

Now she is mad at me and unbelievably, he is too. I should have stopped him from driving drunk and whatever else he had planned.

(This was BEFORE the “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk or Cheat on Their Girlfriends” campaign…how was I to know?)

I’d been awake for about 40 of the last 44 hours when the Super Bowl came on. I fell asleep during the introductions and woke up the next morning. It’s possible the pitcher of Kamikazes I drank had something to do with it too, but I’m not sure. I also ate 8 hard boiled eggs. This is the subject of another miracle that I don’t think I need to explain.

Giants 39, Broncos 20...I think.

If there is beer there...it'll be cold...

Read it like Don Pardo...

From the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob comes something that has been sought for centuries…Ponce de Leon and King Arthur couldn’t find it. Indiana Jones and his dad found it, but then the movie ended and they haven’t been seen since. What is it you ask? It’s Eternal Life!

With the new Eternal Life Kit from God, you too can live for forever. And not just here but in Heaven, where the streets are gold and the beer is cold.

What, you ask, Do I need to do? Well, not much. Before the birth of Christ, eternal life was tough. You needed lambs and goats and to go to Jerusalem each year. Also, you needed to be Jewish, for the most part. And if you were a man, well, eight days in you might have wondered what you got yourself into.

But now, with the death of Christ on the Cross and his subsequent resurrection the price has been paid. It’s absolutely free!

To order, just stop trying to do it yourself, admit you are a sinner and accept the gift that has been given to all who will receive it. There will be no bills to pay, no further obligation. That’s right, you don’t have to change a thing. Drink, dance, play cards…it’s all allowed!

Christ paid the price. So what are you waiting for?