John the Realtor,
We’ve spent the last few days readying the house for sale. I think you’ll appreciate our efforts and information in the areas outlined below:
1. I spent hours scrubbing the police outline of the body from the living room carpet and I think I got most of it. The cops seem to think the investigation has gone cold anyway.
2. The neighbors have agreed to not jump naked on the trampoline while people are here seeing the house. We were over at their 53rd wedding anniversary party last night and they seemed reasonable about it.
3. The septic tank seems to have stopped bubbling up in the backyard since we are only flushing each toilet once a day.
4. The priest told me the exorcism worked and we shouldn’t have any more visits from the Poltergeist as long as we don’t use the fireplace.
5. The paper mill that adjoins our property is now hidden from view because of the trees and they are closed for June. When they open back up in July, they’ve agreed to eliminate the 3 AM siren (third shift lunch) but not the 5 AM. We’ll keep working on it.
6. The airport told me that the house won’t be in the flight path from noon to 4 o’clock on Thursdays. I know that is kind of a narrow window to show the house, but do the best you can.
Just let me know if there is anything else I can do for you. The engineers come by tomorrow to see about the sinkhole in the side yard that seems to be growing. They seemed optimistic on the phone. We’ll let you know what they say.
Sincerely,
