Job Posting: Advance Agent
Available: Immediately
Job Description: Advance Agent will go ahead of subject to ascertain any potential risks and difficulties for subject. Advance Agent will scout existence of any threats (breakable items less than three feet high, glassware, all dogs, rooms without doors allowing for escape to other rooms with breakable items less than three feet high, etc) that may make the parents of the subject endure an evening of living hell in the homes of friends and acquaintances.
Advance Agent will also occasionally scout local restaurants for booster seats, high chairs, crayons, speed of service, changing tables in both men’s and women’s bathrooms, and kiddie menus (with particular emphasis on finding the quality and availability of Grilled Cheese sandwiches, French fries, and lemonade).
Advance Agent will (upon arrival of subject at destination) coordinate removing any items (silverware, ketchup bottles, glassware, tablecloths, salt and pepper, etc) from the arms-length reach of the subject no less than one nano-second before subject reaches for said items with intent to do harm to either self, others or collateral property in the area.
Qualifications: Candidate will need to have had a minimum of 17 years experience in a combination of child rearing, handling hazardous waste, and hostage negotiation. Ability to withstand torture a plus. Masters Degree preferred, but not necessary.
Compensation: Commensurate on qualifications of chosen candidate. Rubber gloves and helmet/hockey mask provided.
