Dear Confirmed Customer,
Thanks for deciding to spend your vacation with us.
In planning your trip, please pay no attention to any possible issues that may arise while traveling to a foreign land. Don’t attempt to learn anything before you come. It will be just like home, we promise you.
When calling, please remember to tell us you are calling from the United States. This is very helpful.
For making tee times, include as little information as possible. Name, number of players and courses you wish to play are unnecessary. Just tell us you want to play golf.
When you receive your tee time confirmation from us, immediately delete it. Then after three weeks, email our office and accuse us of never responding.
Remember: If you ask for a 9:00 tee time and don’t get it, it is because we didn’t want you to have it (not because it wasn’t available). Ask again for the 9:00. Threaten to cancel if you don’t get it.
After you have confirmed everything, ask for everything to be confirmed again. Then, two days prior to arrival, change everything. Pitch a fit if your new plans aren’t confirmed immediately over the phone.
When you arrive at the hotel, pretend to search for a few dollars to tip the taxi driver. This will help them understand that you just don’t happen to have any money on you right now and that you aren’t a cheapskate. After all, you just arrived on vacation. Who has money?
In checking into the hotel, try to keep in mind that you are the only person in the universe. If the hotel clerk fails to understand you, please speak louder and faster. Feel free to abuse them for no reason. And whatever you do, don’t smile. It shows weakness.
If you have any problems anywhere, always keep four items on the tip of your tongue:
1. Who you are…it’s helps in asking, “Do you know who I am?”
2. How many years you have been coming here
3. How much money you spent on this trip (try to exaggerate by at least 40%)
4. How things are done where you come from
Always ask to speak to someone else if you don’t get the answer you want. Maybe the supervisor CAN make the sun go down an hour later.
Upon checking out, threaten to not pay based on some trivial item.
We hope you have a great vacation and make plans to come back next year.
Sincerely,
