During the poker game last night I asked what the difference was between Irish Whiskey and Scotch Whiskey. I expected an explanation that would enlighten me in the ways of international boozing. I was wrong.
“Nothing,” they told me.
“Spelling,” one offered.
It gave me a moment to consider the perceived differences between the Scots and the Irish.
Whiskey: While there is no difference, it seems so much better coming from Ireland. Scotch Whiskey is consumed by dirty old men. Irish Whiskey seems more cheerful. We put it in our coffee. There is no “Scotch Coffee.”
Beer: Guinness versus, well… nothing. Even John Martin's Scotch Ales are brewed in Belgium.
Holiday: St. Patrick’s Day versus….uh, nothing.
National Mascot: Who would you rather hang out with…St. Patrick or a guy wearing a plaid dress without underwear?
Unwarranted cheap shot: The Irish are friends with everyone…the Scots befriend sheep and goats.
Office Products: Well, there is Scotch tape, but use of the term "Scotch" in the name is an insult.
We consult Wikipedia: To cut costs 3M applied the adhesive only to the edges of the tape. A remark was made by a St. Paul, Minnesota automobile detailer that the stingy Scotch bosses needed to put more adhesive on it, and the name has stuck ever since.
So one of the things they are most famous for is so named because they were cheap.
The Scots national slogan is: "Wha daur meddle wi me?" I think they just say this because no one ever fights with them. Why would anyone fight with them? What do you get if you conquer Scotland, their recipe for Haggis?
They can’t even decide on a national anthem. The have numerous unofficial ones.
I asked and was told by citizens of the British Isles that the only problem with Scotland was that it is inhabited by Scots.
That seemed cruel.
Clearly, the Scots have an image problem.
