PRESS RELEASE
August 4, 2008 (posted August 3, the candidate is playing golf today)
My fellow Americans,
I’ve decided to run for public office.
My reason for doing this: It is tough out here and the government isn’t helping much …so I’m going to switch sides and try to make some money that way.
Also, to be clear - I’m not doing it under the guise of “public service.” If I wanted to serve the public, I’d get a job at Denny’s.
Before I give you my political platform, the Real Country Music lyric of the day:
WELL, I WAS DRUNK THE DAY MY MOM GOT OUT OF PRISON
I WENT TO PICK HER UP IN THE RAIN
BEFORE I COULD GET TO THE STATION IN MY PICKUP TRUCK
SHE GOT RUNNED OVER BY A DAMNED OLD TRAIN
(This may be the last one of these unless the musical rotation at the station changes soon. I’m running out of songs.)
Anyway, my stance on the issues--
Big Government: I’m against big government. Big government means more programs and more people to run these programs. I don’t feel like sharing.
Taxation: I’m for high taxes from as many people as possible. Why wouldn’t I want as much cash as I could get? Isn’t that capitalism defined?
Immigration: I’m pro immigration. The more taxpayers, the better (see above). I’m pro life for the same reason.
Animal Rights: When they start paying taxes, we’ll get them some rights.
Higher wages for teachers: Forget it. If they want more money, tell them to run for office.
Crime: I’m against crime (who isn't?), but not really in favor of incarceration of criminals. This is a waste of money, diverting public funds that could be going toward elected officials.
Lobbyists/Special Interests Groups: As far as I’m concerned they don’t have enough influence or power. I’d be willing to listen though, if someone wanted to change my mind. Large unmarked bills please.
Gun Control, Oil Exploration, Election Reform and Health Care: Sounds complicated. I’ll get back to you.
I look forward to getting your vote.
